Expectations: Of the People

I feel this synonym list works very well when it comes to what people expect from us, because it comes in so many forms. People just “want” the best for us, people “fear” the worst of that decision, and people “assume” we’re doing one thing and not another. Media just appears (only later to reign) and words are just representative of the numerous motivations that go into peoples’ expectations. If I had to pick two prepositions to relate people and expectations, it would be “by” and “from” – expectations set “by” people and expectations “from” people. 

Expectations can be set by people before us: friends, siblings, students or girlfriends before us who did or didn’t do certain things. It seems there’s always tension when we challenge expectation, quietly or loudly. It then brings up a question of should we change? We’re warned never to change for anyone…but, what if it’s a good change? Is the issue regarding the principle of change then squashed or proven?

Is it something we would do even if we weren’t with them?

Is it something we see validity in?

Is it showing honor and respect?

Can we modify it to a compromise? 

These questions—and answers—have guided me in deciding how far to “grow.”  

Expectations can be set by people around us: family friends’ children achieving alongside or above us, our socioeconomic environment that has built the infrastructure to feed us into certain levels of education, occupations, and income, and the culture we grew up and/or live in. This could be ethnic or religious culture. But, I’m also thinking of our personal, micro cultures. Mine is composed of small-town living with city sky-rise dreams where college is expected but we’re still applauded when we follow our destiny. One shared facet of this culture is being thankful to have access to education whether it’s in a nation that offers free, quality public schooling or not having to take out loans for what comes next…and simultaneously knowing that I’d endure the same slice (and what would be a whole pie WITH whip crème) if I did what my best friend did; for me, not going to college isn’t an option. Thankfully, I do absolutely love it and enjoy it; from the smell of textbooks to the inked feedback I wait for on my ten page papers. It’s the school decision where I get to personalize my life and make it my own.   Yet, I silently feel that heavy weight of expectation and see the track and path that external expectations have laid out for me. 

I’m often reminded of my expectations when I run into people; the common questions of catching up include school, my writing, and “Are you dating anyone?” or “How is X?” I like these questions because they make me that much more accountable to the things I said I was going to do (and do them), show me people were actually listening and remembering me, and inspire me to wait for nothing less than an amazing relationship to report back. It’s also a boost when I can confirm those things they were expecting of me; fulfilling expectation feels good because we receive that praise and/or elude that harsh/subtle/silent criticism of not coming through. 

But, who likes to answer questions that force them to admit failure? My school choice didn’t work out, “No, nothing yet, just still sending query letters to agents!” or having to admit a break-up and the subsequent tagline you have to cover with because there’s not enough time to explain and give them the full story. I remember when one of my best friends decided college wasn’t for her and in one evening, three people asked the same question, holding the same expectation: “Well, maybe you’ll want to go back later!” Despite the two different educational paths we’re on, I really hope we’re similar—or, rather, I hope I’m just like her to hold myself with such assurance and courage in the face of defying expectation. People’s reactions didn’t send her feet scampering back onto that campus, but planted her that much more firmly in her decision to soar into her career. 

These expectations from people are like a maze: wanting to run the perfect course and get to the exit in the shortest amount of time and most intelligently, while not crashing into any walls (mistakes). It’s also a maze in what we choose to share and omit from certain people. Do you ever have certain friends who get the whole truth and others who get abridged, cropped, and cut versions in order to keep their expectations? 

Why don’t we want to admit our rebellion against that which is their expectation if it’s our decision?

Because sometimes we know certain decisions are mistakes and trust us! we don’t need anyone else to confirm that anymore…! And I’m sorry, but it takes too much energy to convince someone I’m happy in my life, why I’m happy, and am I sure I’m happy? Yes—it’s my life and sometimes there’s no need for analysis.  

The bottom lines is it really doesn’t feel good to get judged, especially when it’s something we’re happy about. Some friends wonder why I keep so much to myself and it’s because I store up those things in my heart so no one can belittle them; they stay perfect and whole without birthing them into my conversation and put them at a guaranteed risk for enduring the measurement of what other people think. 

When we face their expectation and don’t measure up on their number line, we look like a bad person or less than who they thought we were. Thus, it’s just a lot easier to skip over something we’re not obligated to tell them. Ahh, the beauty of language and privacy of our minds. And even more glorious is the truth that it is not his, hers, or their life—but mine, one that is only obligated to the one I’ve given it to. 

Expectations are the things set before us that we are obligated and supposed to follow. We can create them ourselves, manufacturing what we've observed together with what we believe...BUT should we lack that within us, no worry--there's never a shortage of what people think we "should" do.

In Pixels and Print: Expectations from Media

Note: Be advised that the nature of this post, while not inherently or intentionally explicit, includes content that discusses the role and content of digital pornography as it relates to how the perception of this media influences relationships. There are no visual images included; only the ones created by words. 

Not only has technology made our communication more connected, but the way we share information—including pictures and videos. There are commercials, uploaded videos and pictures, music videos, video chats, texts with pictures, Snapchat, Instagram, attached photos on Twitter, and the photos that pop-up the in Facebook newsfeed. 

A significant card to play in this discussion is the sexual influence that has been brought that we must grow-up amongst, specifically our real world being judged against the fantasy pornography aids in creating. Yet, other meaningful expectations brought on by media also exist. How many times have you gone into Instagram, Twitter, or Pinterest and found “inspiring” boards or images of physically fit girls? Is that supposed to “inspire?” Because it seems a comparison like that only makes you feel worse. You see that and can put it away, but when you look up, that image is still with you…as is that comparison you made of yourself when you saw that image. It’s this last part that’s the one you take with you and judge yourself with. Thus, the objective there totally failed—it only made someone feel worse. Regardless of their original aim, media sources and content inherently create expectations for ourselves or someone else who then measures us up against that for comparison. 

Have you ever changed the channel from music videos when your younger brother or sister came in because it wasn’t appropriate for them? Music videos are a great vehicle for putting image or a plot to music, but their influence and extent goes beyond the TV screen. They can perpetrate a lifestyle that isn’t reality, creating an unattainable fantasy that gives way to a frustrating battle to get there. There’s validity in the academic discussions that women do appear as objects or accessories in these clips, because they are simply “appearing” or acting in a way that makes them look disposable, or in a place that any other girl can fulfill. 

More heavily, while this interconnected web did not bring the advent of pornography, it did pioneer the accessibility and ease in which sexual media can be attained. Instead of having to ascertain a physical object, such as a Playboy magazine or adult VHS, one can silently and invisibly hide the images and videos that were once limited to only being tangible. It makes both concealing and garnering pictures and videos that much easier. No longer are you limited to the adult store’s inventory, but you have the world—literally—at your fingertips.   

For us, even if you don’t watch porn, you’re still up against the girls who participate in those pictures and videos. You don’t even have to be a part of it and it’s still the idea you’re “expected” to go by! That was a concept it took—and still takes—my mind awhile to wrap my head around. I’m making not be watching it, but I’m still stacked up against it: I may take strides to keep that influence out of my life, but somehow it’s still found its way in.  

With the Internet and porn, you can find whatever you want. The expectations are set up that you can categorize girls by hair color, body style, or action. There’s that instant gratification as you don’t have fight for anyone else or wait on anyone else to reciprocate your interest—it’s right there. It can be a new girl every time! The thrill of the hunt is always on. There’s no convincing anyone or trying to erode their hesitation into agreement; the experience is simply waiting for your fingers to type, touch, and enter. 

I see the expectations media creates manifesting itself in real life through: 

• being expected to perform those acts (and with the same fervor and oftentimes, lack of self-care in which they are enacted) (Can we say anal sex?)
• the debut of pornography into relationships
• the speed in which guys move on from girl to girl is so much quicker, you can’t help but be tempted to see yourself as dispensable
• being compared to someone else and judged not to be as competent
• …so to make up for that “incompetency,” you’re suggested to do “this” or “that” in order to create the fantasy
• distorting the tangible and intangible: you can’t touch the image before you like you can a human being, but your preference can be skewed by being rewarded by the girl in the video. 

What about the opportunities for personal pornography? I don’t mean making your own videos and photos for commercial use, but what you send over text messages, quick Snapchats, or show on Skype, for example. Not only are you creating a new expectation for someone else, but you might also have been the victim of someone else’s same actions, whether someone person in that guy’s life or what our world has created as a whole. It’s irritating, frustrating, and uncomfortable to have to stand up to that pressure of “Send me a pic ;)” when you know he doesn’t mean a family one. Not only are you left with “How do I respond?” but also, “What am I going to do if I don’t send that?” and that valid question of “Will he still like me?” It’s easy to say, “Oh, he’s not worth it if he wants you to do that.” He might not be worth it, but tell that to the feelings and the self that still likes him. And then…what if you do? Can you ever have peace of mind again once you send yourself in such a permanent way, not knowing the mobile “zip codes” that will see you and living with the threat that the breakdown of a relationship may send that image on its way in revenge?  And what will everyone think when they find out? Judgment is also a part of expectation, because it’s the result of breaking it. 

 A really popular discussion about the bridge between reality and online living is the point self-esteem and technology. Just yesterday I was talking to one of my close friends who was really feeling beat down by all the pictures of people on vacation, traveling, or having fun on Facebook. When you see images like that, it really does instantly bring up your life for reference and parallel the two for your own judgment. The goals of all these interfaces are for “sharing” and “keeping-in-touch,” but they have been manipulated by the wave of humanity and the tide of the human nature to involuntarily create expectation and exploit the result of breaking that belief. The biggest consolation I’ve found is lifting my eyes off of whatever form is before me and remembering that in-person is where I exist and all that matters; when all the pixels and seconds of video have floated away, I’ll be left with just me—so I’ve got to take care of “this” me, the one who lives in the world and not online or even in print.   

Expectations are the things set before us that we are obligated and supposed to follow. We can create them ourselves, manufacturing what we've observed together with what we believe...BUT should we lack that within us, no worry--there's never a shortage of what people think we "should" do.

IV. Run YOUR OWN Race

I have to stop this judgment and jealousy.

That’s the thought that instantly zooms into my mind when I see girls and their boyfriends at the gym. 

One day, I looked at this one girl and her boyfriend, trying to smother my covetousness at their hand-holding affections, his smiling words to her, and the fact she had him, period. I looked at her and had to put on a new mindset: her timetable for heartache and ecstasy is different than mine. She is running her own race. 

We are running in our own lanes, and it’s so easy (as you saw) for me to look at her and be angry that she looks so much farther ahead than me. And maybe it’s not even her speed, but the aesthetics of her track suit or the training she received before we left out of the gates.

But, she has specific lessons she needs to learn, experiences to go through, and places she needs to visit—just like I have my own for my life. She’s gone through different situations that have led her to this point in the same way I have my own that have guided me to where I now stand. I’m in one season of my life and she’s on her own journey, running the MPH and conditions of her own race. 

Not only is it viewing people in person reminds me I need to remember my own path before me, but when I sit before the overwhelming statuses on Facebook, the clever sayings on Twitter, and the visual feast of people’s lives on Instagram, my life is vulnerable to a dangerous comparison. You don’t have to understand writing code to manipulate those 1’s and 0’s. You can be selective about what you post, picking and choosing the good, the bad, and the ugly; it’s all about whatever emotion you want from others or the image you want them to recognize you in. 

But, we all have things that wind us—and make no mistake, we ALL do, including the people running alongside us or before the electronic screen we view. We all have our own hurdles to jump over. Our lives all have different lung capacities with according healths of our own. We’re all running in different altitudes! 

Life wasn't meant to be lived with peripheral vision. It was meant for us to focus on the sensation and experiences before us, the things happening in our own lives. Those are the amazing things—because they are ours. Let others inspire you…but, to go out and do your own things! Make no comparisons!

Knowing this idea now, I write off any insecurity, worry, and slight injustice. Whoever has caused my heart to draw back in surprise, it stops and shakes its head, remembering this. They’ve got their own race to run. I’ve got my own race to run; yes, I might have to wait while others zoom by me, but it’ll be worth it when I reach what’s before me exactly how I was supposed to. You’d think the same inputs would yield the same outputs, but not for our lives; the same thing might not work for both races. I can’t go take a regular job or pick up someone who’ll give me a relationship today in the same way it worked for my friends or the strangers who walk beside me. It’s not compatible with the condition of my heart or the status of my motivations! Yes, I want success and someone to fill that picture frame with, but on my own terms and in the course of my own race. Then, it is mine. (:

“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.”

- Janis Joplin, American musician