Expectations: From History

In a legal studies class once, our professor asked us, “Why do you think lawyers have walls of books and volumes in their offices?” It’s not just to look smart, he explained with a laugh. He explained that all those books are full of cases and serve the lawyer as events of precedence. In order to prove his case or down the opposition, legal counsel will reference previous cases. At one point, those cases were new but now they’ve become the standard. 

History is:

• Our own experience
• Others’ experiences
• What have become the new guidelines and reference points
• Anything that’s happened before and influences after 

The expectation that history gives us is called precedence.

As I’ve thought on this topic, common sayings come perfectly to mind, illustrating the power and influence of history on the future: 

Once bitten, twice shy. When our hearts are broken, it’s a natural defense to quickly escort it to security and lock it up so that no one else can get to it and hurt it. With heartbreak, it’s like a brand new book of guidelines have been dropped into our lap: of how guys act, the signs to watch out for that invisibly lined our way to this dark destination, what their sneaker tracks look like to get there and new warnings of delayed attachment, the installation of suspicion, and the distrust of affection intended to bring two people closer instead of being grossly manipulated to shove them apart. The two parts that compose this home-bound heart are 1) not looking for anyone new and 2) not letting anyone make any progress in their distance to our heart.  

Do it once, shame on you; do it twice, shame on me. Ahh, an old adage that basically warns us to learn our lesson the first time. We get a free pass the first time, such as a best friend betraying our secrets, our romance, or our friendship. But, the second time we do it, let it happen, or it happens to us after letting that person back in, how do we then explain? A record has already been created; we “should have known.” It’s so much more difficult to get sympathy or get people to listen when we’ve been stripped of ignorance. That’s a strong expectation to fight against—not only is it getting someone to change (such as becoming faithful, quit doing “this,” or start doing “that”) but the rest of the battle comes in convincing everyone else of this metamorphosis. 

Hindsight is 20/20. I see the validity in this one, and yet there are just certain situations where it seems we’re still searching for the right prescription to view it in and one to figure out what went wrong, such as preventing the next genocide. When we go to examine how love died, years can go by and the view is still murky and there is no crispy clarity. Yet, with time, acceptance can prompt us to admit the truth and new experiences can enlighten archives as new lessons and examples are applied to old ones or the two are compared and contrasted. Our expectations from history can be changed when the future disproves and revises them. 

History encompasses experience and learning, things people hold even after they put the book away, turn the TV off, or cut the conversation. For this, history arguably creates the greatest—and most difficult to defy—expectations. 

* 

Expectations are the things set before us that we are obligated and supposed to follow. We can create them ourselves, manufacturing what we've observed together with what we believe...BUT should we lack that within us, no worry--there's never a shortage of what people think we "should" do.

HELP: My life is going off the rails.

6/28/2013 12:19:47 PM

I just feel sick and lost. I want that success of having business materials, business cards and an occupation I can be proud of. I hate having to search and not find the right opportunities, lame ones, or just not getting anywhere.

6/28/2013 11:43:29 PM

Everything used to be so concrete and laid out; I was experiencing it all the same as everyone else.

6/29/2013 12:59:01 PM

Last night, my life felt like it was going off the rail. And it was only a sliver of exciting to not know what I should do.

6/29/2013 8:36:00 PM

But, now, I’m ecstatic to have these opportunities and feel like I’m finally going down a path of success.

These have brief notes illustrate the struggle I’ve been feeling since school got out. I never thought I’d find myself back here in this place of not knowing what to do with my time or my life, and it’s a return I don’t like. At all.

I’ve kind of been in limbo since my courses came to a completion a few weeks ago. I had school and all that went into it every day: getting up early, dressing up, grabbing my coffee and lunch, having my iPod accompany me on the interstate there and back, being around my new friends, finding new opportunities to get involved every day, doing homework (ugh, but!) getting to see the result of my work and have that concrete achievement.

That’s what I miss—“concrete.”

When you graduate high school and even get into college, there is less affirmation for you and your work. The more you grow up, the less the concrete achievement you feel and see.

A few nights ago, I went to a party with some old, old friends from elementary school. It was amazing to see mannerisms I hadn’t seen since before I was double digits, overshadowed and forgotten as new schools and classes covered the fellowship of my foundation. It felt so good to be back together, and amazing to see us pick off right where we left off on the apartment patio that one of us had now moved into or hanging out in the living room on the window sill, chiropractic table one of us was going to massage therapy school for, or on the floor. I finally felt 19. As we stood in the kitchen catching up at the beginning of the evening, the subject of college majors and careers came up: massage therapy, dietetics, music therapy, physical therapy, biology, marketing…When it came to me and my English degree, I felt the fumble: YA novelist? Blogger? Teaching English with TESOL? What did I say and what was my for sure path?  

I miss being concrete.

It’s been a burgeoning thought within me, but that night confirmed it for me. I don’t have courses that are my stepping stone into a specific career. For the first time, I don’t even know what my career looks like.

I always wonder why I refer back to high school as the last great time in my life. No, everything’s been fabulous since, don’t get me wrong: I don’t miss getting up at 6am, being around people whose entire universe is our zip code, or being unappreciated and seen as just another number to administrative staff; conversely, I love staying out late, being able to pick up and go wherever I want, and have privacy.

But, high school was the last time I felt like I had everything figured out.

Why?

Because in high school, everything was still laid out.

Relationships are variable so I could never rest in those forecasts—but, I’ve always been constant in what I want. This is the first time I don’t have it figured out. And I don’t like it.

Maybe where I am is just the result of sitting at the end of trial-and-error. I could (and did) make up at least 15 different college major + career plan combinations throughout the years. I had a blueprint to build with and a path to guide me as I drove my life. But, schools don’t work out, opportunities change their color, and we find ourselves discovering that we don’t want what we thought we wanted.  

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by all the opportunities I now have and I’m regressing to cope with it all. I can publish any blog, book, or business and it can be anything. That’s exciting—and also more overwhelming than I ever thought. First, there’s choosing what I want to do, then how to do it, making sure I execute it the way my vision sees it, and trying to ascertain some success within these steps. It’s frustrating. And exhausting.  

Maybe I’m 19 and I’m really not supposed to have it all figured out. I used to view career and life uncertainty as a lack of engagement or care. How can you not know what you want to do? I now know you may know what you want to do, but you don’t know how to get there, what you thought you wanted may not turn out the way you expected it to and you feel like you’re back at the starting line, and maybe I really need to believe that just because things aren’t concrete doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.

So, all I can do right now is dip my toes in many waters and see where I want to swim.  

#IncomingFreshmanAdvice

This was my absolute favorite year EVER. 

Enjoy EVERY minute of it! 

From walking with your posse to forging new friendships at the beginning of every semester’s new classes, everyone is so much more sociable than pop culture makes it seem. This is the only time you’re all ever on the same level, figuring out the physical and invisible high school infrastructure together. You’ve got all the options before you: in relationships, career choices, classes, colleges. It’s the best of both worlds as you can safely explore your independence while having everything else taken care of. What I wouldn’t give to be back in that place where my optimism was full and every possibility inspired me to major in 10 subjects and be ASB President. (I still hold the original seed to that positivity—it just takes the watering of energy and conscious choice to keep it flourishing today :)  

Be in touch with what piques your interest in your classes—this is the best college, major, and career choices come from!

Have fun traveling through groups, meeting new people, and forming your own circle. You will meet SO many people!

Embrace your school spirit and go to football games! This was my freshman year regret; thus, I turned that around my sophomore year and was glad I didn’t wait any longer to start coming. 

Savor the thrill in every new experience, from your first pep rally to those football games that make you swell with school spirit. Having grown-up in private school, I’ve gotta tell you my favorite part of switching to public school—and public high school, at that—was all the guys. I didn’t need any romantic connection, or even talk to them, for that matter, to appreciate the exponential growth from 20 boys in my grade to possibilities at every tier. I relished every walk whenever I could through those hallways (;

Ahh, the guys. Isn’t this where the warning about older guys comes in? It’s valid, I concede, for sure. No, as the past five years roll through my mind, absolutely it is and I see why it always accompanies this point. But, it’s exciting and flattering and frankly, a boost to your ego when you can nab someone older than you. The truth behind those warnings that no one says—“He’ll pressure you,” is a common one—is that older guys will want sex. It’s the worry that we’ll almost be run over and unable to stop him or keep ourselves from yielding to sex and whatever other activities that have been brought with his age. Yes, it is accurate to say older guys want sex—but, all* guys want sex. I mark that “all” with an asterisk, because that’s a generalization that can be disproven. I’ve found exceptions in my own life. My high school boyfriend was a junior when I was a freshman, and even though we didn’t meet until the next year, that age difference still existed and those warnings of “older guys” continued on, too. I guess I never saw it as a problem; mentally, the guys two years older than me where closer to where I was. But, anyways, if I wanted sex, I could’ve gotten it, but I didn’t and I told him that from the time boundaries came up in our conversation. 

And he still met my parents.

And he still wanted to date me.

Regardless of your stance on boundaries, a good guy is one who will respect even the disagreeable elements in you; one who will sacrifice for you, because that’s where true love finds its foundation. Don’t be dispensable! You are never too young to respect for yourself and stand for nothing less. And I suppose a better piece of advice is don’t see yourself as dispensable. You’re not just like “every other girl” who can offer what “every other girl” does. No, there’s an infinite combination of things that compose you that no one can replicate. 

My advice on freshman year dating is have fun! Be smart and be safe (<--It’s one of those things you tell people, and you know they know it, but you only feel right in yourself if you know you made sure and told them.) Trust your gut and intuition; if someone gives you a creeper vibe, don’t abandon it—listen to it and act accordingly, no matter if you’re friends make you feel stupid or tell you there’s nothing to worry about (I can attest to this every weekend when I go out with my friends…and my constantly turning head, mace, and taser). I shake my head and always remember I have a family to get back to and life to move forward in. I won’t let anyone’s comments make me feel stupid and compromise my safety. I cannot advocate self-defense education enough; I took a course help fulfill my PE requirement for high school/college and it was the best class I’ve taken in my educational career. Never take a drink you didn’t pour yourself, whether it’s at a party or after turning you back at a restaurant! 

Freshman year is the time when everyone is the most forgiving in forgetting mistakes and erasing embarrassing moments…for the most part. Getting your private life found out (viral hook-up news or enough to give you a reputation) is a branding and will be the one continual uphill climb; honestly, it’s more like a vertical climb, where you look straight up and you’re told, “Climb.” I believe the possibilities in all things, but I wouldn’t put stock in people’s perceptions of what I want. I say this because I don’t believe the “slut” label is one you can get off of other people’s view. I wish no one would be cruel and realize there’s a human being behind every whisper and enlightening look. But, we graduated last spring and when we see girls from our HS class on Facebook, that distinction is still present as certain “she’s” come up in the newsfeed or search suggestion. For this, I encourage you to go in with your eyes wide open where it concerns your conduct in realizing the full severity of getting physically intimate with someone else and “penalty” of this social conduct code that is everyone else’s judgment, from having “text sex,” sending almost or fully naked pictures or videos, even video chats (there is Skype chatting recording software now) to in person kisses, hugs, and everything that takes you to sex.  

On another point on the social spectrum, you do meet a lot of new people, and the transfer of middle school friends to high school has been the focus of many middle grade and YA books. It’s sad when people you used to know change and everything with them becomes past tense. Thank goodness high school is so large that you will find your people; I couldn’t believe it actually happened so naturally and that it did, period! It can take trial and error or marrying individuals from different groups. A lot of new friends come from classes, people you recognize at lunch, meet at orientation, neighbors who ride your bus, or like individuals in extracurriculars.  

And, if your middle school crew make the transition successfully, yay! And hopefully you still forge new friendships with people from feeder middle schools. 

If I had to describe freshman year simply, it would be “thrilling.” There are highs and lows; great things and awful things; thrills and falls. It just depends on what you design your path to look like and what inserts itself on the route there. Take risks—it’s not too far to fall yet. Seriously, I mean it when I say embrace and savor each episode of laughter, infatuation, and success. Freshman year is feeding off the energy of the caravan you now find yourself rising amongst. It’s only the beginning! (: