Expectations: From History

In a legal studies class once, our professor asked us, “Why do you think lawyers have walls of books and volumes in their offices?” It’s not just to look smart, he explained with a laugh. He explained that all those books are full of cases and serve the lawyer as events of precedence. In order to prove his case or down the opposition, legal counsel will reference previous cases. At one point, those cases were new but now they’ve become the standard. 

History is:

• Our own experience
• Others’ experiences
• What have become the new guidelines and reference points
• Anything that’s happened before and influences after 

The expectation that history gives us is called precedence.

As I’ve thought on this topic, common sayings come perfectly to mind, illustrating the power and influence of history on the future: 

Once bitten, twice shy. When our hearts are broken, it’s a natural defense to quickly escort it to security and lock it up so that no one else can get to it and hurt it. With heartbreak, it’s like a brand new book of guidelines have been dropped into our lap: of how guys act, the signs to watch out for that invisibly lined our way to this dark destination, what their sneaker tracks look like to get there and new warnings of delayed attachment, the installation of suspicion, and the distrust of affection intended to bring two people closer instead of being grossly manipulated to shove them apart. The two parts that compose this home-bound heart are 1) not looking for anyone new and 2) not letting anyone make any progress in their distance to our heart.  

Do it once, shame on you; do it twice, shame on me. Ahh, an old adage that basically warns us to learn our lesson the first time. We get a free pass the first time, such as a best friend betraying our secrets, our romance, or our friendship. But, the second time we do it, let it happen, or it happens to us after letting that person back in, how do we then explain? A record has already been created; we “should have known.” It’s so much more difficult to get sympathy or get people to listen when we’ve been stripped of ignorance. That’s a strong expectation to fight against—not only is it getting someone to change (such as becoming faithful, quit doing “this,” or start doing “that”) but the rest of the battle comes in convincing everyone else of this metamorphosis. 

Hindsight is 20/20. I see the validity in this one, and yet there are just certain situations where it seems we’re still searching for the right prescription to view it in and one to figure out what went wrong, such as preventing the next genocide. When we go to examine how love died, years can go by and the view is still murky and there is no crispy clarity. Yet, with time, acceptance can prompt us to admit the truth and new experiences can enlighten archives as new lessons and examples are applied to old ones or the two are compared and contrasted. Our expectations from history can be changed when the future disproves and revises them. 

History encompasses experience and learning, things people hold even after they put the book away, turn the TV off, or cut the conversation. For this, history arguably creates the greatest—and most difficult to defy—expectations. 

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Expectations are the things set before us that we are obligated and supposed to follow. We can create them ourselves, manufacturing what we've observed together with what we believe...BUT should we lack that within us, no worry--there's never a shortage of what people think we "should" do.

HELP: My life is going off the rails.

6/28/2013 12:19:47 PM

I just feel sick and lost. I want that success of having business materials, business cards and an occupation I can be proud of. I hate having to search and not find the right opportunities, lame ones, or just not getting anywhere.

6/28/2013 11:43:29 PM

Everything used to be so concrete and laid out; I was experiencing it all the same as everyone else.

6/29/2013 12:59:01 PM

Last night, my life felt like it was going off the rail. And it was only a sliver of exciting to not know what I should do.

6/29/2013 8:36:00 PM

But, now, I’m ecstatic to have these opportunities and feel like I’m finally going down a path of success.

These have brief notes illustrate the struggle I’ve been feeling since school got out. I never thought I’d find myself back here in this place of not knowing what to do with my time or my life, and it’s a return I don’t like. At all.

I’ve kind of been in limbo since my courses came to a completion a few weeks ago. I had school and all that went into it every day: getting up early, dressing up, grabbing my coffee and lunch, having my iPod accompany me on the interstate there and back, being around my new friends, finding new opportunities to get involved every day, doing homework (ugh, but!) getting to see the result of my work and have that concrete achievement.

That’s what I miss—“concrete.”

When you graduate high school and even get into college, there is less affirmation for you and your work. The more you grow up, the less the concrete achievement you feel and see.

A few nights ago, I went to a party with some old, old friends from elementary school. It was amazing to see mannerisms I hadn’t seen since before I was double digits, overshadowed and forgotten as new schools and classes covered the fellowship of my foundation. It felt so good to be back together, and amazing to see us pick off right where we left off on the apartment patio that one of us had now moved into or hanging out in the living room on the window sill, chiropractic table one of us was going to massage therapy school for, or on the floor. I finally felt 19. As we stood in the kitchen catching up at the beginning of the evening, the subject of college majors and careers came up: massage therapy, dietetics, music therapy, physical therapy, biology, marketing…When it came to me and my English degree, I felt the fumble: YA novelist? Blogger? Teaching English with TESOL? What did I say and what was my for sure path?  

I miss being concrete.

It’s been a burgeoning thought within me, but that night confirmed it for me. I don’t have courses that are my stepping stone into a specific career. For the first time, I don’t even know what my career looks like.

I always wonder why I refer back to high school as the last great time in my life. No, everything’s been fabulous since, don’t get me wrong: I don’t miss getting up at 6am, being around people whose entire universe is our zip code, or being unappreciated and seen as just another number to administrative staff; conversely, I love staying out late, being able to pick up and go wherever I want, and have privacy.

But, high school was the last time I felt like I had everything figured out.

Why?

Because in high school, everything was still laid out.

Relationships are variable so I could never rest in those forecasts—but, I’ve always been constant in what I want. This is the first time I don’t have it figured out. And I don’t like it.

Maybe where I am is just the result of sitting at the end of trial-and-error. I could (and did) make up at least 15 different college major + career plan combinations throughout the years. I had a blueprint to build with and a path to guide me as I drove my life. But, schools don’t work out, opportunities change their color, and we find ourselves discovering that we don’t want what we thought we wanted.  

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by all the opportunities I now have and I’m regressing to cope with it all. I can publish any blog, book, or business and it can be anything. That’s exciting—and also more overwhelming than I ever thought. First, there’s choosing what I want to do, then how to do it, making sure I execute it the way my vision sees it, and trying to ascertain some success within these steps. It’s frustrating. And exhausting.  

Maybe I’m 19 and I’m really not supposed to have it all figured out. I used to view career and life uncertainty as a lack of engagement or care. How can you not know what you want to do? I now know you may know what you want to do, but you don’t know how to get there, what you thought you wanted may not turn out the way you expected it to and you feel like you’re back at the starting line, and maybe I really need to believe that just because things aren’t concrete doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.

So, all I can do right now is dip my toes in many waters and see where I want to swim.  

Tik, Tok, Tik Tok, My Youth Is Knocking

Being young, it seems like I’m always waiting for something: a term to finish, a graduation, a wedding, all these things that seem so far off. It’s really difficult to wait on the daily—to see how final grades will show up, how a relationship is going to pan out, health test results and treatments for yourself or your dearly loved. It feels like I’m in a holding pin, waiting to taste what’s being cooked up and wanting to be a mouse and scurry up the sleeve to see what’s up there. I’m trying to wait with a purpose, not sitting and doing nothing constructive with my time. But, it’s frustrating when I take step after step forward into moving on in my life and I keep looking behind me, wondering how many steps I have to take before results, answers, and what I’ve been waiting for is triggered and given to me.  

Youth passes too quickly. It’s a thought that’s been hounding me lately, like it’s constantly in my brain and coloring my perception, especially when it comes to waiting. I don’t want to rush these years, months, days, minutes, or seconds away, I don’t. I was walking out of Chipotle today, a place I spent a great deal of time my sophomore year, and it only seemed like yesterday to my mind and when I closed my mind…instead of the 3-4 years ago that is the reality everyone else lives by. Now, I find myself finished with my first year out of high school, but those 2009-2010 days seem so close, proving that time moves quickly. Lately, I’ve been afraid of one day waking up in my suburban house with my husband and teenage children, wanting and missing my youth as much as I currently miss my sophomore year. I wish I could flash forward, make a list of all the things I wish I would have done, and come back and do them today. I don’t want to waste one second. But, when there are images of friends taking amazing trips and having their “new adult” romances, I can’t help but feel like I’m doing it incorrectly and that I’m wasting my seconds of being sparkly and “new.”   

But, it’s hard to be happy when you’re waiting to hear from doctors on what imaging means, there’s no stability for your loving heart, and it seems too long since you’ve been happy. I’m really striving to capture every second and moment of my youth, having lived it so fully and worn it out that there’s no way to miss it one day—because being unable to return to that place is the worst type of missing there is. So I’m waiting and trying to wrap myself in the number 19. I won’t let the sands of my youth slip through wasted. It’s just learning, trying, hoping, seeking, and needing a balance between understanding my feelings are valid and not letting their validation rob me of where I am today.