HELP: My life is going off the rails.

6/28/2013 12:19:47 PM

I just feel sick and lost. I want that success of having business materials, business cards and an occupation I can be proud of. I hate having to search and not find the right opportunities, lame ones, or just not getting anywhere.

6/28/2013 11:43:29 PM

Everything used to be so concrete and laid out; I was experiencing it all the same as everyone else.

6/29/2013 12:59:01 PM

Last night, my life felt like it was going off the rail. And it was only a sliver of exciting to not know what I should do.

6/29/2013 8:36:00 PM

But, now, I’m ecstatic to have these opportunities and feel like I’m finally going down a path of success.

These have brief notes illustrate the struggle I’ve been feeling since school got out. I never thought I’d find myself back here in this place of not knowing what to do with my time or my life, and it’s a return I don’t like. At all.

I’ve kind of been in limbo since my courses came to a completion a few weeks ago. I had school and all that went into it every day: getting up early, dressing up, grabbing my coffee and lunch, having my iPod accompany me on the interstate there and back, being around my new friends, finding new opportunities to get involved every day, doing homework (ugh, but!) getting to see the result of my work and have that concrete achievement.

That’s what I miss—“concrete.”

When you graduate high school and even get into college, there is less affirmation for you and your work. The more you grow up, the less the concrete achievement you feel and see.

A few nights ago, I went to a party with some old, old friends from elementary school. It was amazing to see mannerisms I hadn’t seen since before I was double digits, overshadowed and forgotten as new schools and classes covered the fellowship of my foundation. It felt so good to be back together, and amazing to see us pick off right where we left off on the apartment patio that one of us had now moved into or hanging out in the living room on the window sill, chiropractic table one of us was going to massage therapy school for, or on the floor. I finally felt 19. As we stood in the kitchen catching up at the beginning of the evening, the subject of college majors and careers came up: massage therapy, dietetics, music therapy, physical therapy, biology, marketing…When it came to me and my English degree, I felt the fumble: YA novelist? Blogger? Teaching English with TESOL? What did I say and what was my for sure path?  

I miss being concrete.

It’s been a burgeoning thought within me, but that night confirmed it for me. I don’t have courses that are my stepping stone into a specific career. For the first time, I don’t even know what my career looks like.

I always wonder why I refer back to high school as the last great time in my life. No, everything’s been fabulous since, don’t get me wrong: I don’t miss getting up at 6am, being around people whose entire universe is our zip code, or being unappreciated and seen as just another number to administrative staff; conversely, I love staying out late, being able to pick up and go wherever I want, and have privacy.

But, high school was the last time I felt like I had everything figured out.

Why?

Because in high school, everything was still laid out.

Relationships are variable so I could never rest in those forecasts—but, I’ve always been constant in what I want. This is the first time I don’t have it figured out. And I don’t like it.

Maybe where I am is just the result of sitting at the end of trial-and-error. I could (and did) make up at least 15 different college major + career plan combinations throughout the years. I had a blueprint to build with and a path to guide me as I drove my life. But, schools don’t work out, opportunities change their color, and we find ourselves discovering that we don’t want what we thought we wanted.  

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by all the opportunities I now have and I’m regressing to cope with it all. I can publish any blog, book, or business and it can be anything. That’s exciting—and also more overwhelming than I ever thought. First, there’s choosing what I want to do, then how to do it, making sure I execute it the way my vision sees it, and trying to ascertain some success within these steps. It’s frustrating. And exhausting.  

Maybe I’m 19 and I’m really not supposed to have it all figured out. I used to view career and life uncertainty as a lack of engagement or care. How can you not know what you want to do? I now know you may know what you want to do, but you don’t know how to get there, what you thought you wanted may not turn out the way you expected it to and you feel like you’re back at the starting line, and maybe I really need to believe that just because things aren’t concrete doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.

So, all I can do right now is dip my toes in many waters and see where I want to swim.