A few weeks ago on Twitter, several hashtags were trending:
#incomingfreshmanadvice
#incomingsophomoreadvice
...and so on.
Some tweets were hilarious, while others poignant. And, I thought, why not expand on one of these in one place? Especially since graduation and the end of the school year is coming up and we're all gathering our bags and picking up to move up. Have your own advice for each of these times? Submit them on Facebook or "Contact Me!"
I want to be applicable to all teenage girls—regardless of
religion, socioeconomic status, location, everything. I want to forget the
politics of these things and find human truths and get closer and closer to
what humanity really is. In the past year, I found myself taking certain
lessons and never departing from them, and instead, remembering them and living
by them. I want to share these conjectures, fundamentals, these pillars that I’ve
come to.
These four ideas are what I now live by daily in my quest
for a loving and limitless life.
Whatever you do...OWN IT!
No one can convince you of the life YOU
lived.
Opinions are just that.
Run YOUR OWN race.
On each of the four Mondays this month, I’ll take my pillars
one by one and explain them; as they are posted, the description of the pillar will be linked to each idea under the "Pillars I Live By" tab. I so hope and fervently pray these ideas empower
you and remind your how special your life is. You have SO much to give, SO many
wonderful things before you. Let no one steal YOU in their words, opinions, or
actions! And ultimately, don’t take you from yourself. YOU are *wonderful*. (:
This song from Tangled was my theme song for the winter of 2012-2013. Going through the same routine, doing the same things, feeling like you're living the same day over and over and you can't escape. Even more so, when you're bursting at the seams with dreams, you wonder, when will I get there? When will all these visions I have for my life appear before my physical eyes? I'm believing for it...where is it?
Almost five months later, I'm back to breathing, but a new air. I'm not waiting to hear back from literary agents on my YA novel so I can get out there and start talking to girls about our lives; I have the power to share my words and thoughts because that orange "Publish" button doesn't have guidelines or waiting times, but rather, he belongs to me. (: This writing space, this column, this blog is a testament of that December/January/February downward press on me. Rather, this blog is the result of what that season did to me.
It took that winter journey to make me unafraid of living.
My own heartbreak was the catalyst for that depression. He left with no goodbye and no return date. And, his leaving was like the pulling the bottom Jenga piece out of my life: everything fell and I was I was forced to examine everything for how it was: my unhappiness with school, my major, and the fact that now that he was gone and no longer my Saturday night, I realized how much I missed my scattered college girlfriends.
I'd been doing on an online program for school and it was excellent in quality, course offerings, and my student body. But, as a 19-year-old, I felt like I was rotting away in front of a computer screen, this and the paint on my walls my only stimulation. I was prone to crying all the time, sleeping 11+ hours a night...I couldn't even get "breath" and clear my head by working out (and when that, my constant sure-fire way to clarity, didn't help, I knew something was wrong.)
I started going to the library to do schoolwork, varied my gym times, and tried to go out more. But, that still didn't do it. And along with that despairing realization was my discontent with my major; seven, eight courses in, I realized the field was too pessimistic of humanity (and that was too much for optimistic me!).
So one Saturday night I mentally fell to my knees. With light fingers after midnight, I did a Google search of a nearby university, just to see what that life might look like.
And I saw they had English...a lifelong dream of mine to major in, but somewhere along the way of thinking I might be a doctor or own my own businesses, it got lost. After taking in the course requirements and descriptions of every page in the department, I went to bed with the possibility that night.
I woke up the next morning and like a child again, I crawled into bed with my mom. Amongst our conversation, I blurted it out: "I hate my program." And like letting air of a balloon, breath my breath, I told her of my Google searching earlier that "morning." She was BEYOND supportive, and that Sunday we drove up to the gorgeous, commuter campus. I met with an admissions counselor the next day, got my transfer going, and bought my books for two five-week summer courses yesterday. (:
I had always thought school was too large a thing to change. That was pulling out a piece of foundation on my house, if you will! Could I even do that?
Yes. I told my dad after I was accepted and he more happy for me than I ever could have imagined. I'm SO blessed and fortunate and lucky and everything good to have parents who just want me to be happy. I think both of them are just happy self-starting, I'm-graduating-college-two-years-early me is recognizing she needs to take moments to be 19.
The best word to describe that winter (now, physically distant, but still sending a silent terror through my heart) was "leveled." That online program was what I needed to believe in for the end of high school, that summer, and fall quarter. But, I outgrew that shoe, threw it over my shoulder, and tried a new one. For as dark as those days were, I can't believe the greater things that grew from that: transferring to a school I've fallen in love with, still discerning which one, the returned past or unexpected future, I'll be doing the same with, and the courage to live; to be sick of fear and allergic to indecision. I've given up hesitation. I stay smart and wise about my decision, for sure. But, before I find myself going around in circles now in eternal pro and con lists, I stop--and say, I'm just going to live.
Amidst classes that will only count for admission and colleges courses that will build a degree, it's so easy and understandable to feel like, when will my life begin? In a life of leisure in hanging out with friends, a life of hardship in taking on atypical responsibilities, or a mix of the two, questions of choosing the the media to record with and even having the canvas run around the track of the mind. When will I get to do what I want?
Like my new "Publish" button, the interaction of an arranged wife and husband who are only beginning to learn each other as we are, find the "Start" button that you can press to begin your life. You are NEVER too young to begin doing what you love; after all, if you love it, isn't it a part of you? (: And moreover, turn what you love into your life. Don't deny your destiny--EMBRACE IT with no apologies, but all your love.
*
BUT:
What if what you wants to do takes time and training you don't have yet? For example, you want to be a doctor and you love the medical field. With the scientific knowledge yet to be had (along with board certification, licensing, and legality...), how do you do what you love now? There are hospital volunteer programs, and there are also short internships abroad with more hands-on opportunities. Envision yourself as a physician every time you drive to that hospital and feel it when you take that trip to offer your care.
Need ideas and a brainstorming session of how to "begin" your life? Write me! We'll come up with a plan :) Vision is priceless; the heart for it is what you need. Everything else can be figured out.
I used to get so giddy at articles with this title; visually savoring the
bullet pointed lists of signs that articles would hold which I’d copy and paste
to save. As I read, I would mentally check the indicators off against my
current infatuation or save them to reference for later. How awesome to find an
actual guide with “How to…” on a subject I was actually interested in!
As I’ve grown up, the
items from those guides have become the things I naturally pick up on: a guy’s
looks, his interest in conversation, his mentions of hanging out…they’ve become
standard. Today, though, I’ve wadded through the waters of infatuation and
ages, finding that there are new signs and methods I have to add to my own
guide (and am continually trying to become proficient in).
Now along with talking to
someone in person, we have electronic means of communication where much of
getting to know someone takes place after the day’s final bell chimes or
we/they walk out the door of a place first. Texting is definitely a different
medium of communication: we go by print and punctuation. Today, we have smiley
faces and explanation points for emotion. Despite the fact you can silence your
volume and throw your phone after you do it in order not to know if there's no
text back, it's still scary to text; it's admitting your interest, just by
existing and showing up on their screen. It's a risk of what will be done with
it; if it will sit there or be acted upon by that person you’re interested in.
In text, his:
texting first
quick reply times
replying, period
especially if he says more
than two-three words. Okay, more than four. So let’s just say…
sentences
smiley faces
flirting phrases
questions posed to you
anything like the above
that continue conversation
are signs of interest.
For social networking, can
we say that:
Liking/hearting
Comments
FB messages/Twitter DMs
Twitter mentions/replies
Initiation/reply to chat
are signs of interest?
Social networking seems like it’s more about you as a person while
simultaneously providing an interface to communicate with others; but, for the
most part, it’s about personalizing your page and illustrating your life.
But all of these are just
interfaces, or “a common boundary or interconnection between systems, equipment,
concepts, or human beings,” according to the third entry of the word on Dictionary.com. Gray, blue, and green texting threads, crème and blue webpages,
and photographic apps are places where clicks and words are the representatives
of flesh, blood, and soul. The clearest and truest way to know if someone likes
you is in person; after all, this is where we exist! (:
I remember overhearing a
girl in my ninth grade state history class talking about how guys will text and
then say nothing/act like they don’t know you in person. And it’s arguable
which hurts more—electronic or in person rejection; the disrespect that someone
wouldn’t even reply or the cruelty that we can replay before our mind’s eye.
Because, there's nothing
like physical follow-through: showing up, when you finally cease electronic talking
with "here," dressing up where you know they've changed and were
quietly deliberate about looking nice (and smelling it). There's nothing like
looks, but there’s also nothing like matching it with action—speech. With their
image, time, and being they are making an investment.
Think about the guys you don’t like and the things they do that make it clear
that they like you; there’s something about someone you don’t like liking you
that makes everything they do magnified romantically. And, yet, when we want
it, we minimize it; I don’t want to read into it in case it didn’t mean that,
because if I do and it doesn’t happen, then I invested my heart and the fall,
the pain will be there.
When we care, we shy away
not to get hurt. Is it almost unnatural to abandon the defense and just for go
for it? I think the defense is natural, but there is something so freeing and exhilarating
about just going for it. Nerves might try to come along for the journey, but I
won’t let them skew my memories with anxiety when I look back on it.
And what about the super nice guy vs. the interested one? In cases where texts
can’t make this distinction, here is where the physical chemistry, the
interactions of where we live, help clear it up: the looks, your physiologies (“I’m
freaking out in this personal public speaking, and with his stumbling, I think
he might be, too!”), if there are dates, if it goes somewhere.
Sometimes it feels like you're pushing boulders to get answers. It takes
everything within you and it seems you only gain an inch, it's going so slow.
The one way I’ve always found to get me clarity is to just ask; to take the
chance and mention going out. I'm the type who'd rather get the answer and deal
with it. Oh, I've turned down my phone and left it tightly swaddled in my
blankets, denying it oxygen to sound. But, I take that step out there and ask
for the answer (whether it’s hanging out or another scary question) and
eventually I check. I think in terms of that are off a tributary to
cost-benefit analysis; if it doesn't work with one person, then I know now and I
can heal my heart and move on to myself and someone who will care.
The bottom line is if a
guy likes you, he will text you. If he wants you, he'll make it happen. As much
as it hurts to admit when you think about your current person, you shouldn’t
have to constantly convince yourself of their interest; love shouldn’t be like
that. There’s kinks and stumbles to getting there and that’s what makes the
adventure. (: But, love, at some point, should be undeniable, secure, and
something to rest in.
