Expectations: From History

In a legal studies class once, our professor asked us, “Why do you think lawyers have walls of books and volumes in their offices?” It’s not just to look smart, he explained with a laugh. He explained that all those books are full of cases and serve the lawyer as events of precedence. In order to prove his case or down the opposition, legal counsel will reference previous cases. At one point, those cases were new but now they’ve become the standard. 

History is:

• Our own experience
• Others’ experiences
• What have become the new guidelines and reference points
• Anything that’s happened before and influences after 

The expectation that history gives us is called precedence.

As I’ve thought on this topic, common sayings come perfectly to mind, illustrating the power and influence of history on the future: 

Once bitten, twice shy. When our hearts are broken, it’s a natural defense to quickly escort it to security and lock it up so that no one else can get to it and hurt it. With heartbreak, it’s like a brand new book of guidelines have been dropped into our lap: of how guys act, the signs to watch out for that invisibly lined our way to this dark destination, what their sneaker tracks look like to get there and new warnings of delayed attachment, the installation of suspicion, and the distrust of affection intended to bring two people closer instead of being grossly manipulated to shove them apart. The two parts that compose this home-bound heart are 1) not looking for anyone new and 2) not letting anyone make any progress in their distance to our heart.  

Do it once, shame on you; do it twice, shame on me. Ahh, an old adage that basically warns us to learn our lesson the first time. We get a free pass the first time, such as a best friend betraying our secrets, our romance, or our friendship. But, the second time we do it, let it happen, or it happens to us after letting that person back in, how do we then explain? A record has already been created; we “should have known.” It’s so much more difficult to get sympathy or get people to listen when we’ve been stripped of ignorance. That’s a strong expectation to fight against—not only is it getting someone to change (such as becoming faithful, quit doing “this,” or start doing “that”) but the rest of the battle comes in convincing everyone else of this metamorphosis. 

Hindsight is 20/20. I see the validity in this one, and yet there are just certain situations where it seems we’re still searching for the right prescription to view it in and one to figure out what went wrong, such as preventing the next genocide. When we go to examine how love died, years can go by and the view is still murky and there is no crispy clarity. Yet, with time, acceptance can prompt us to admit the truth and new experiences can enlighten archives as new lessons and examples are applied to old ones or the two are compared and contrasted. Our expectations from history can be changed when the future disproves and revises them. 

History encompasses experience and learning, things people hold even after they put the book away, turn the TV off, or cut the conversation. For this, history arguably creates the greatest—and most difficult to defy—expectations. 

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Expectations are the things set before us that we are obligated and supposed to follow. We can create them ourselves, manufacturing what we've observed together with what we believe...BUT should we lack that within us, no worry--there's never a shortage of what people think we "should" do.

HELP: My life is going off the rails.

6/28/2013 12:19:47 PM

I just feel sick and lost. I want that success of having business materials, business cards and an occupation I can be proud of. I hate having to search and not find the right opportunities, lame ones, or just not getting anywhere.

6/28/2013 11:43:29 PM

Everything used to be so concrete and laid out; I was experiencing it all the same as everyone else.

6/29/2013 12:59:01 PM

Last night, my life felt like it was going off the rail. And it was only a sliver of exciting to not know what I should do.

6/29/2013 8:36:00 PM

But, now, I’m ecstatic to have these opportunities and feel like I’m finally going down a path of success.

These have brief notes illustrate the struggle I’ve been feeling since school got out. I never thought I’d find myself back here in this place of not knowing what to do with my time or my life, and it’s a return I don’t like. At all.

I’ve kind of been in limbo since my courses came to a completion a few weeks ago. I had school and all that went into it every day: getting up early, dressing up, grabbing my coffee and lunch, having my iPod accompany me on the interstate there and back, being around my new friends, finding new opportunities to get involved every day, doing homework (ugh, but!) getting to see the result of my work and have that concrete achievement.

That’s what I miss—“concrete.”

When you graduate high school and even get into college, there is less affirmation for you and your work. The more you grow up, the less the concrete achievement you feel and see.

A few nights ago, I went to a party with some old, old friends from elementary school. It was amazing to see mannerisms I hadn’t seen since before I was double digits, overshadowed and forgotten as new schools and classes covered the fellowship of my foundation. It felt so good to be back together, and amazing to see us pick off right where we left off on the apartment patio that one of us had now moved into or hanging out in the living room on the window sill, chiropractic table one of us was going to massage therapy school for, or on the floor. I finally felt 19. As we stood in the kitchen catching up at the beginning of the evening, the subject of college majors and careers came up: massage therapy, dietetics, music therapy, physical therapy, biology, marketing…When it came to me and my English degree, I felt the fumble: YA novelist? Blogger? Teaching English with TESOL? What did I say and what was my for sure path?  

I miss being concrete.

It’s been a burgeoning thought within me, but that night confirmed it for me. I don’t have courses that are my stepping stone into a specific career. For the first time, I don’t even know what my career looks like.

I always wonder why I refer back to high school as the last great time in my life. No, everything’s been fabulous since, don’t get me wrong: I don’t miss getting up at 6am, being around people whose entire universe is our zip code, or being unappreciated and seen as just another number to administrative staff; conversely, I love staying out late, being able to pick up and go wherever I want, and have privacy.

But, high school was the last time I felt like I had everything figured out.

Why?

Because in high school, everything was still laid out.

Relationships are variable so I could never rest in those forecasts—but, I’ve always been constant in what I want. This is the first time I don’t have it figured out. And I don’t like it.

Maybe where I am is just the result of sitting at the end of trial-and-error. I could (and did) make up at least 15 different college major + career plan combinations throughout the years. I had a blueprint to build with and a path to guide me as I drove my life. But, schools don’t work out, opportunities change their color, and we find ourselves discovering that we don’t want what we thought we wanted.  

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by all the opportunities I now have and I’m regressing to cope with it all. I can publish any blog, book, or business and it can be anything. That’s exciting—and also more overwhelming than I ever thought. First, there’s choosing what I want to do, then how to do it, making sure I execute it the way my vision sees it, and trying to ascertain some success within these steps. It’s frustrating. And exhausting.  

Maybe I’m 19 and I’m really not supposed to have it all figured out. I used to view career and life uncertainty as a lack of engagement or care. How can you not know what you want to do? I now know you may know what you want to do, but you don’t know how to get there, what you thought you wanted may not turn out the way you expected it to and you feel like you’re back at the starting line, and maybe I really need to believe that just because things aren’t concrete doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.

So, all I can do right now is dip my toes in many waters and see where I want to swim.  

Expectations: Of the People

I feel this synonym list works very well when it comes to what people expect from us, because it comes in so many forms. People just “want” the best for us, people “fear” the worst of that decision, and people “assume” we’re doing one thing and not another. Media just appears (only later to reign) and words are just representative of the numerous motivations that go into peoples’ expectations. If I had to pick two prepositions to relate people and expectations, it would be “by” and “from” – expectations set “by” people and expectations “from” people. 

Expectations can be set by people before us: friends, siblings, students or girlfriends before us who did or didn’t do certain things. It seems there’s always tension when we challenge expectation, quietly or loudly. It then brings up a question of should we change? We’re warned never to change for anyone…but, what if it’s a good change? Is the issue regarding the principle of change then squashed or proven?

Is it something we would do even if we weren’t with them?

Is it something we see validity in?

Is it showing honor and respect?

Can we modify it to a compromise? 

These questions—and answers—have guided me in deciding how far to “grow.”  

Expectations can be set by people around us: family friends’ children achieving alongside or above us, our socioeconomic environment that has built the infrastructure to feed us into certain levels of education, occupations, and income, and the culture we grew up and/or live in. This could be ethnic or religious culture. But, I’m also thinking of our personal, micro cultures. Mine is composed of small-town living with city sky-rise dreams where college is expected but we’re still applauded when we follow our destiny. One shared facet of this culture is being thankful to have access to education whether it’s in a nation that offers free, quality public schooling or not having to take out loans for what comes next…and simultaneously knowing that I’d endure the same slice (and what would be a whole pie WITH whip crème) if I did what my best friend did; for me, not going to college isn’t an option. Thankfully, I do absolutely love it and enjoy it; from the smell of textbooks to the inked feedback I wait for on my ten page papers. It’s the school decision where I get to personalize my life and make it my own.   Yet, I silently feel that heavy weight of expectation and see the track and path that external expectations have laid out for me. 

I’m often reminded of my expectations when I run into people; the common questions of catching up include school, my writing, and “Are you dating anyone?” or “How is X?” I like these questions because they make me that much more accountable to the things I said I was going to do (and do them), show me people were actually listening and remembering me, and inspire me to wait for nothing less than an amazing relationship to report back. It’s also a boost when I can confirm those things they were expecting of me; fulfilling expectation feels good because we receive that praise and/or elude that harsh/subtle/silent criticism of not coming through. 

But, who likes to answer questions that force them to admit failure? My school choice didn’t work out, “No, nothing yet, just still sending query letters to agents!” or having to admit a break-up and the subsequent tagline you have to cover with because there’s not enough time to explain and give them the full story. I remember when one of my best friends decided college wasn’t for her and in one evening, three people asked the same question, holding the same expectation: “Well, maybe you’ll want to go back later!” Despite the two different educational paths we’re on, I really hope we’re similar—or, rather, I hope I’m just like her to hold myself with such assurance and courage in the face of defying expectation. People’s reactions didn’t send her feet scampering back onto that campus, but planted her that much more firmly in her decision to soar into her career. 

These expectations from people are like a maze: wanting to run the perfect course and get to the exit in the shortest amount of time and most intelligently, while not crashing into any walls (mistakes). It’s also a maze in what we choose to share and omit from certain people. Do you ever have certain friends who get the whole truth and others who get abridged, cropped, and cut versions in order to keep their expectations? 

Why don’t we want to admit our rebellion against that which is their expectation if it’s our decision?

Because sometimes we know certain decisions are mistakes and trust us! we don’t need anyone else to confirm that anymore…! And I’m sorry, but it takes too much energy to convince someone I’m happy in my life, why I’m happy, and am I sure I’m happy? Yes—it’s my life and sometimes there’s no need for analysis.  

The bottom lines is it really doesn’t feel good to get judged, especially when it’s something we’re happy about. Some friends wonder why I keep so much to myself and it’s because I store up those things in my heart so no one can belittle them; they stay perfect and whole without birthing them into my conversation and put them at a guaranteed risk for enduring the measurement of what other people think. 

When we face their expectation and don’t measure up on their number line, we look like a bad person or less than who they thought we were. Thus, it’s just a lot easier to skip over something we’re not obligated to tell them. Ahh, the beauty of language and privacy of our minds. And even more glorious is the truth that it is not his, hers, or their life—but mine, one that is only obligated to the one I’ve given it to. 

Expectations are the things set before us that we are obligated and supposed to follow. We can create them ourselves, manufacturing what we've observed together with what we believe...BUT should we lack that within us, no worry--there's never a shortage of what people think we "should" do.